Night Time Thoughts
by Birgitta Blue
Summary: Severus is suffering of Night Thoughts, a common problem for lonely and smart people with a not so fun past.


Night Time Thoughts  
  
By Birgitta Blue  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling ows my precious proffessor: Severus Snape. The lyrics is written by Leonard (He´s our man!) Cohen.  
  
  
  
++++++As someone long prepared for the occasion;++++++  
  
In full command of every plan you wrecked -  
  
Do not choose a coward´s explanation  
  
++++++that hides behind the cause and the effect++++++  
  
  
  
Severus Snape felt a bit dizzy where he stood, alone in his dark office, in the middle of the night. All the confusing thoughts and the strong steam from the potions made his head spin. He was, again, a spy against Voldemort. But at times like these he wondered why he´d ever decided to work for the, oh, so good side. He was spying, at a great risk for his own life, for Merlin knows how many people he didn´t like the very least! It wasn´t a secret in any way; He hated as good as everybody on ´his side`, and they hated him back.  
  
  
  
++++++I don´t know why I come here,++++++  
  
knowing as I do  
  
What you really think of me,  
  
++++++what I really think of you++++++  
  
  
  
Why should he help them? The fact that he hadn´t slept in days and hadn´t been eating as good as usual, he couldn´t think clear. Old memories were coming to life in his head, memories that he didn´t wanted to remember. They showed up in his head, stayed for a few secunds and then dissapeared, to be replaced by even more unwelcomed memories from the past. It was times like these that he just wanted to say to hell with everything, especially to the bloody spying business, and just go back to The Dark Lord´s side again and be free to be as bad as he wanted. He remembered how he´d loved to get some aggressions out by torturing muggles. To see them crawl around on the ground by agony and screaming with pain, his pain, that he´d passed over to them, oh, it used to feel so good!  
  
  
  
++++++Don´t really have the courage++++++  
  
To stand where I must stand.  
  
Don´t really have the courage  
  
++++++To lend a helping hand.++++++  
  
  
  
He noticed that he was shaking. He closed his eyes and tried to get a grip of himslef. He knew what he was capable of, but he also knew where his loyalties lay. And he knew that they, nowadays, really lay where they were supposed to. What was happening in his inner? He could hardly control himself. Everything was so weird. He wanted to talk, to get some thoughts out in the free, only there wasn´t anybody that he wanted to talk to. He managed to mess up a potion by shuddering to much with his hands and getting way to much of an ingredient in it than was good. He cursed, took up the little cauldron with the ´now-not-very-useful-in-any-way-potion was in, and throwed it into the wall. Crash! Then he calmed himself down a bit. He just needed a drink right now. And maybe a smoke? Yes, that would do the trick! He poured some deep red wine into a goblet, sat down in his favorite leather armchair, lightened a cigarette and tried to focus on the present. And the present did remind herself right then, by burning on his left fore arm.  
  
  
  
++++++A sip of wine, a cigarette,++++++  
  
and then it´s time to go  
  
I´m what I am and what I am,  
  
++++++is back on Boogie Street.++++++  
  
  
  
He could hardly do anthing else then to leave immediatley. I mean, who ever heard of a Death Eater calling in sick for Lord Voldemort? ´Er, boss, listen, it´s like this. I´ve been feeling a bit down lately and I think it´d be for the best that I took a break for a while. Sounds ok?` Hardly... He left and received his orders to be in Lucius Malfoy´s group to torture muggles. He went with them, quiet and personal, never once saying anything to any of the others. He did his job and kept an eye on everything, took in what the others said that might be of importence to the Headmaster and did what he had to do to seem like ´one of them`.  
  
  
  
++++++I bite my lip.++++++  
  
I buy what I´m told:  
  
From the latest hit  
  
to the wisdom of old.  
  
But I´m always alone.  
  
And my heart is like ice.  
  
And it´s crowded and cold  
  
++++++In My Secret Life++++++  
  
  
  
As he took the opportonity to get out some of all the frustration by doing evil deeds, he thought about how things could have been, but wasn´t, and never would be. If it wasn´t for the so called Lord, if it wasn´t for his own feelings, if it wasn´t for the way of life. He suddenly got the urge to kill Malfoy and the others and just escape the place. Or maybe challenge Voldemort? But no, he would wait till Dumbledore came up with something. All he had to do now, was his job. And he wouldn´t just do it, he would do it good. He owed her that. His precious darling... His poor little diamond. She hadn´t been a supporter of the Dark Lord, and she had payd for that with her life. No one had known about their love, but he´d told Dumbledor when he´d heard of her death and decided that he just had take her place as a non-supporter, for her sake, and if killing soucha wonderful girl as she´d been was part of being a Death Eater and a supporter of Voldemort, he hadn´t wanted to be one any more. How he hated Voldemort! He´d ruined his lust for life. Once again he just got the strong urge to... No! He wouldn´t! He would revenge her, but not now. Not yet. He´d wait for the perfect opportunity. He´d waited for long and he could wait a bit more. He really didn´t wanted to make a fool out of himself. He just wanted to do what he´d dreamed of since her death. He had no idea what he would do after that, or how he would feel. But he knew he had to do it, he just had to, simply had to.  
  
  
  
++++++I cheat and I lie.++++++  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
To get by.  
  
But I know what is wrong.  
  
And I know what is right.  
  
And I´de die for the truth  
  
++++++In My Secret Life++++++  
  
  
  
The morning had dawned when he finally got back to Hogwarts. He could hardly walk, he was so tired. He changed to his sleeping clothes and went to beed. Even if he was so tired that he could hardly hold his eyes open, he couldn´t fall a sleep at once. He could see her, his lovely love, in front of him. She occupied his mind every secund of the day, more or less. Pictures of her, alive and dead, spinned around his head. They were still doing that when he, after long last, finally drifted off to sleep.  
  
  
  
++++++I saw you this morning.++++++  
  
You were moving so fast.  
  
Can´t seem to loosen my grip  
  
On the past.  
  
And I miss you so much  
  
There´s no one in sight.  
  
And we´re still making love  
  
++++++In My secret Life.++++++ 


End file.
